The possibility of creating family!
Mis à jour : 1 juil. 2020
It's June 3rd, a cloudy Wednesday morning, and I just arrived at the Spa, where I work part-time as a HR Consultant. My round belly is proudly sticking out of my very fitted hood; none of my colleagues know yet why I gained that much weight in the tummy area during the 3 months' COVID19 confinement.
As we complete our morning team huddle, I poke the obvious 'elephant in the room' by pointing to my belly, claiming to all that I gained weight for the 'right reasons'. Yes, I'm pregnant! And all of them start shouting happily at the news!
I only had known for a week, but since I puffed out so quickly and it showed, we thought it best to announce it right away and avoid people wondering each time they see me.
During my shift, I went to the bathroom a couple times (yup, 2 times an hour is an average while pregnant!) and was surprised to find a bit of blood - which the nurse I called that afternoon to double-check said was normal in the first weeks... Okay. No panic. Let's stay zen yet aware, I thought.
It's when the blood flow increased that I decided to rush to the hospital emergency to make sure all was good with the pregnancy.
Six hours of wait before I finally get to see the doctor and take a blood test. I'll get the results tomorrow, they say, when I come back for an ultrasound appointment. Meanwhile when I get home, I'm already in tears, expecting the worse, after noticing how much blood I already had lost.
And blood is not only what I lost that night...
I went back for my appointment the next day, my eyes red and swollen from crying, no smile with a sad face, and just the need to be left alone with my sorrow. It got confirmed with the results: blood tests showed I was indeed pregnant but the ultrasound showed no baby in the uterus.
My first miscarriage...
Every couple on earth would understand the deep hurt of this loss, after so much joy coming from the pregnancy news. Such opposite emotions experienced in such a short amount of time.
And so much more that my husband and I had been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 2 years, after our first baby boy was born in July 2018, and died at birth because he was too premature.
One could say it is horrible and we are unlucky - what a very sad story. Truth is, yes, we went through our share of hurt and sorrow with those 2 losses. Mainly that having children had become a dream of ours since my husband and I started dating. He is 58 yrs old and I'm 43. Odds are against us?
Well, another perspective is that I got pregnant naturally, both times. Fertility has therefore proven not to be an issue.
And while making sure that we expressed all the emotions present with the news of the miscarriage, so that there is no residue of any kind of suffering, we both have chosen to see the bright side of this (a gift in an ugly wrap, as my mom would say) and build on that momentum to create the possibility of FAMILY.
One thing I got about living life fully is being mindful about how I react to what gets thrown my way. And it is one of the many reasons why my husband and I connect so much and get along so well; both of us choose, over and over, to remind ourselves of what our bigger goal is, or what our dream is, and commit and re-commit to it, each and every time we've lost sight of it.
And yes, often that happens AFTER we get reactive, or angry, or sad. And that is the beauty of being human; we've got awareness. And we have multiple dimensions. And we also get choice over how to BE in the face of life events...
We have created the possibility of FAMILY (it is of course on our vision boards!), and so we choose again and again to stay connected to that possibility. Boy and/or girl (if we have twins, we'd be happy also!), I play the game of being at my optimal best to carry a healthy baby to terms and being a blessed mother. We are playing the game of having a family, so we keep it top of mind. Meaning that we ensure to be the kind of people that we need to be to make this wonderful dream come true.
The shoes I selected to remind myself of it and to take actions correlated with this creation, are baby ones. They represent JOY, LOVE and PLAYFULNESS. And it is with those possibilities of being in mind that I keep my 'space' ready to welcome babies.
What is YOUR dream?
What Possibility Shoes would you choose to empower yourself to be the person you need to be to accomplish it?